Quack, I'm Zeus

http://www.bebo.com/Profile.jsp?MemberId=2013349731

Ever wanted to pick up random chicks? Ever wanted to be some sort of barnyard fowl? Ever wanted to pick up chicks as some sort of barnyard fowl? Are you the God of Thunder? If you answered yes to all of those questions, then do I have the pick up line for you. All you do is turn into a swan, find some young bitty relaxing by the lake and say "Quack, I'm Zeus." And just like that, you have created a relationship that will no doubt lead to some sort of half man/half god creature that is unfortunately also not half duck.

As it turns out, "Quack, I'm Zeus" also sends you to a bebo.com profile. Bebo.com appears to be a sort of myspace for Kiwis who spend too much time bungee jumping and are all descended from criminals (I didn't do any other research to find out if it was just New Zealanders, but I like to think that it is). I know these are all stereotypes, but that's the downside of the new social networking craze. You get some jackass with a high speed modem making racist comments on his new blog. Poor Rich Kaio. Although great picture. As it turns out, "Quack, I'm Zeus" also works on large ladies, but I think you have to have dance skills if you can't turn into a swan.

Rich Kaio seems like a good dude, even though I have no idea what he's talking about for most of his page. Also, he doesn't like sports, which makes me think he doesn't like bungee jumping which shatters all my preconceived notions of New Zealanders (all of which I have gotten entirely from Flight of the Conchords). Also, I want to talk to him to ask him if he remembers when there used to be penguins. I would also like to point out that Moira McFarland and Amy Chestnutt are hot and in his friends list which leads me to believe that Rich Kaio has hot Internet friends, but then again, don't we all.

I chose Quack, I'm Zeus because I have been thinking about religion a little bit lately, and Zeus is King of the Gods after all. I have been perusing (literally, I kind of stopped reading it and just sort of started looking at it) AJ Jacobs's new book where he tries to live the bible as literally as possible. Also, I had a job interview at a Christian Rock radio station the other day, which sort of creeped me out.

The station was in the back of one of those mega churches that are all the rage right now. One of those places with big jumbotrons to show the charismatic, yet creepy preacher in high def and he wears one of those Backstreet Boys/Old Navy earpiece microphones and they put their hands in the air when they sing songs for some reason.

I interviewed with a guy who I described to my wife as swarthy. Swarthy seemed like one of those words that should mean "slick" or "used car salesman", because that was definitely what he was. He had earrings in both of his ears and a weird Van Dyke beard. He spoke loudly with a lot of confidence. I bet at one time he considered running for congress. He was a little slimy. Unfortunately, swarthy only sounds like a word that should mean slimy. It actually means dark skinned. I want to start one of those online petitions to get the meaning of that word changed because it made me look stupid in front of my wife.

After an awkward interview where I pretended to like some dude named Toby Mac (whoever that is), and flaunted my religious background (used to go to church as a kid, read the bible once, was once awoken by the Hour of Power at full blast) he shook my hand and led me out the door. I received a rejection letter so fast, I am pretty sure his secretary was typing the letter as I was leaving. I wasn't angry about the rejection, because it was kind of a shitty job anyway, but to be rejected in a church sort of made me feel like Jesus himself was rejecting me, which wouldn't be the first time.

My mother, who is Evangelical, is undoubtedly my most religious relative. She was the one who woke me up with the Hour of Power and she once tricked me into getting anointed with oil while some televangelist spoke in tongues to me. All the other kids next to me passed out, apparently overcome with the holy spirit. But I stayed perfectly vertical. I wondered if maybe I was missing something, if somehow Jesus didn't want to fill me with his love through the fingers of a highly paid TV star. I am sort of convinced they were all faking it, but I can't be so sure about it, maybe Jesus didn't love me as much as the cute girl in the pink low cut dress who stood next to me. Maybe he didn't allow the power of Him to flow through me because I was staring at some girl's chest. Although, maybe still it was something I did in the past or perhaps will do in the future. I am pretty sure the televangelist's fingers sizzled when she touched me, so maybe I am just a lot more evil then I like to think. I left the church thinking either all those kids were a bunch of fakers, or Jesus just doesn't love me.

So, if Jesus doesn't love you, then who do you have left? My hopes is that he loves me enough to find me a new job, but not enough to have that job be with any sort of religious group. Maybe as a way to show me that he loves me, but he doesn't want me to have anything to do with his religion, like Chris Farley and Tim Matheson in Black Sheep. Sort of a "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" position, which is nice. Jesus and I could probably be friends if we just sat down and shared a beer and watched the Red Wings game or something. I don't want him to write me off yet, unless he knows something I don't.