Good to See You're Still Living

http://yourestillyoung.blogspot.com/

A 40 something Jewish/Canuck (or JewNuck) couple is looking to conceive. Hopefully, that didn't run you off from clicking on the link because this is a well written, well thought out (if sometimes period heavy--both in punctuation and in menstration--eek) well intentioned blog that I actually read a great deal of before being weirded out by her constant mentions of her cycle (I didn't actually need to hear that her period returned with a vengence, makes me think of some sort of a tidal wave senario). But what is a little more disturbing to me is it feels like she thinks she will be a failure of a life if she isn't a mother. As if conception was poor Shlomit's only reason to exist. It is almost heartbreaking to not only see the level of despair she reaches because of her lack of children, but also the fact that she clearly is resting her entire existence on acheiving the elusive baby bump. It is sad to know that her psyche is so prevelant on acheiving this one goal, that her whole life feels like a failure because she hasn't. I was also weirded out because I kept thinking of old Jewish people having sex. Like Jackie Mason drilling Barbara Streisand or Gene Simmons spinning his dreidel inside of, I dunno, George Costanza's mom (is she Jewish, she seems like she should be).

It's funny that people can be so focused and so set on acheiving one particular thing, that if they don't, their life is hopeless. I fall into that trap sometimes too, although, my goal is a little less noble than child bearing. I just want to get a different job so bad, that I feel like my life doesn't have any meaning because I sit at a computer all day and type on this blog and then occasionally sell a cell phone to people who generally have an attitude problem. I know, it's not as good as a Jewish couple trying desperatly to conceive, but I still have my own problems too, dammit.

The words I typed into Google today were words I actually just said to my cousin. He and my aunt stopped by the kiosk I work at, and while we were really close as children, we sort of fell out of touch by the time I reached high school. He became a straight edge punk and I became a guy who wished I was but couldn't stand to get into fights because someone was sipping on a white wine spritzer (also, I'm a man who loves his beer, mmmmm beer). Since we haven't been close for a while, I slipped into awkward conversation mode, which sucks because he and my aunt are family and awkward conversation mode should only be reserved for people I went to high school with and truly don't want to see.

Anyway, they stopped by and I started out okay, but I had a hard time thinking of things to say. and by started out okay I mean I had a sentence or two that came out without a stutter, then I started blinking rapidly and saying "uh" a lot. It is particularly awkward because he cleaned up his punk act (although the tats on his forearms say he still has a little of that in him) and has spent the last few years in the US Army. He was in Japan for a while, which made the family a little more comfortable, but the inevitable happaned and he was sent to Afghanistan.

He looked good when I saw him, although a little thin. I imgained he would be a little more buff, but I guess he has a little more of a desk position than an infantry position so it's understandable. He was on an eighteen day leave, with only a few days left, and then back to Afghanistan, so I really wanted to make him feel wlesomced and that it was nice to see him and that I wished for his safety. Instead after all of my stuttering a stammering, I told him he looked good and it was "Good to see you're still living." I don't know why I felt like I shoved my foot in my mouth, but it just felt that way. I guess it may be on the same lines as a pitcher throwing a no hitter; you don't tell a mother her son could die any at any second, and it likely won't happen.

I guess I'm not sure what I am really rambling about, but I guess it is just weird to see what people's goals are. I wonder if my cousin will feel like a failure if he is a bad soldier. I wonder if my aunt will feel like a failure if he somehow (God forbid) doesn't make it back from this tour. I wonder if Sariel and Shlomit will actually feel like failures if they don't make a tiny JewNuck. But most of all, I wonder why I still feel like I will be a failure if I don't get out of my dead end job and why real struggles of life and death haven't put things a little more in perspective.